Silly Section!



 
25 Things you wish you could say at work Word Up!
Say What! The World's Best Get Even Story
Employer Talk The 5 Stages of Drinking
Applicant Speak The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
Stress Management Psuedo Latin Phrases
John DeBella's  Baseball Guide To Sex John DeBella's Guide to Bedroom Golf
Tonights Television Listings Tonights Television Listings in Iraq
12 Things NOT to Say To A Cop 18 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Clown
100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Guy 10 Things That Suck About Being A Guy
Replacing Your (Mouse) Balls Happy Fun Ball!
If Men REALLY Ruled The World Great Sports Quotes
How To Win An Argument Become A Better Liar 
Signs that you've had too much of the 90's 10 Camps You Shouldn't Send Your Kids To
Aunt Rose's Rules for Jewish Living 25 Things Southerners Won't Say
Children's Books We'll Never See Good, Bad and Sometimes Worse
Ways to annoy your Public Bathroom Stall-mate Finalists in The ''DILBERT Quotes'' Contest
Bullshit Bingo! Brand Recognition
Things My Mother Taught Me Acceptable Use of the F Word
Thanksgiving Sayings That Sound Dirty Things Not To Do During " Lord of the Rings / Return of the King"
Slogans For State T-Shirts Top 10 Football Lines That Sound Dirty But Aren't


The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide

 

Top 18 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Clown

From " The Top 5 List "

18.) By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.

17.) Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.

16.) Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"

15.) References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.

14.) Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.

13.) Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.

12.) Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.

11.) Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.

10.) Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."

 9.) Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.

 8.) Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"

 7.) More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.

 6.) Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.

 5.) A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.

 4.) Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."

 3.) Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."

 2.) Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."

...and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party...

 1.) All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
 



MOUSE BALLS

This was an actual alert to all IBM Field Engineers that went out to IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was serious. The rest of us don't have to work for IBM!

Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)

Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.



Five Stages of Drinking

LEVEL 1:

It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 2:

It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".

LEVEL 3:

One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".

LEVEL 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.

LEVEL 5:

Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you - and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (for how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"



HAPPY FUN BALL!



Brand Recognition



Things My Mother Taught Me

 

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE-
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:-
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC-
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store  with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"   

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!



Acceptable Use Of The F Word

We all know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word! There are only ten
times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use:

10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

  9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

  8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

  7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

  6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

  5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

  4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

  3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

  2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton,1999

  And number 1 . . . drum roll  . . . .

  1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Osama bin
Laden



Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren't



"Talk about a huge breast!"

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
 
"It's Cool Whip time!"
 
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
 
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
 
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
 
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
 
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
 
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
 
"Don't play with your meat."
 
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
 
"Do you really think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."
 
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
 
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
 
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
 
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
 
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"
 
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
 
"Just lay back and take it easy...I'll do the rest."

 



Things To Avoid Doing During Lord Of The Rings / The Return of the King


1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"

2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" - After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."

3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says: "The Ring."

4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.

5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.

6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."

7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing, "And I did it....MY way...!"

8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger and fall down the stairs.

9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python style.

10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"

11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST, RUN!"

12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.

13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"

14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf hidden somewhere in the movie.

15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.

16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking terribly confused.

17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I see dead people!"

18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Jar-jar, Dobby and Yoda would be like.

19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.

20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.

21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
 



Slogans for State T-Shirts



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