Silly Section!|
Silly Section! |
The Drinkers Fault Finding Guide
Top 18 Signs You've Hired the Wrong Clown
From " The Top 5 List "
18.) By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
17.) Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
16.) Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
15.) References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
14.) Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
13.) Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
12.) Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
11.) Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
10.) Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
9.) Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
8.) Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
7.) More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
6.) Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
5.) A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
4.) Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
3.) Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."
2.) Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
...and the Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your Child's Party...
1.) All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
This was an actual alert to all IBM Field Engineers that went out to IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was serious. The rest of us don't have to work for IBM!
Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Mouse balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila. You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger....and he's buying. And you're thinking "Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your bar. Just because you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an ...after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well....as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow ...................cool.
LEVEL 5:
Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor ("But I don't even know anybody named Ruby!!!"), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I've got that brunch with Hitler, I can't miss that." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams, "WE'RE DRIVIN' TO FLORIDA!!!!!"- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five - the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you - and they know. And they say..."Who's Ruby?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (for how long?) as long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and this time, I mean it!"
CAUTION: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Happy Fun Ball Contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete.
Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs:
Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin.
When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration...
Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.
Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.
Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.
Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.
Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee.
Happy Fun Ball--ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES
1) Three words: Monday Night Football
2) You understand why The Three Stooges are funny.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall
at every shot of somebody crying.
12) Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into
the boards).
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
you go.
17) Movie nudity is always female.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone
secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27) You never have to clean a toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29) Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
32) your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry
about what people will think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a
room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's
coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth (sometimes).
58) You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
59) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without
ever thinking He must be mad at me.
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's
about to leave you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.
66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
one's just too sleazy.
67) you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69) Same work...more pay!
70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79) ESPN's SportsCenter.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little
gift.
81) Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your other friends you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw
it."
88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong buddies.
89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not
in the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a
hammer or throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
anything different?"
99) Baywatch
100) There's always a game on somewhere.
1) You have to take out the garbage.
2) The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
3) No sofas in your restrooms.
4) External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5) Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood chipper,
you're not allowed to cry.
6) James Bond movies only come out every 2 years.
7) Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
8) You have to wear ties.
9) you can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10) "Women and children first."
- Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are singing in the crisp, cool mountain air.
- Nothing can bother you here.
- No one knows this secret place.
- You are in total seclusion from that place called the world.
- The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
- The water is clear.
- You can easily make out the face of the person whose head
you're holding
under the water.
There now, feeling better?
FOX
8:00 Real Humans in Real Pain
8:30 Feral Dingoes Eating Children on Tape
9:00 Jiggle It Beach
9:30 LA Chicks
10:00 Beverly Hills 90210: The 90,210th Episode
UPN
8:00 The Unwatchables
8:30 Voyage To The Bottom Of The Ratings
9:00 Theoretically Existing Show
9:30 Praying For Syndication
10:00 The Last Thing You'd Ever Want To Sit Through
WB
8:00 Where My Wife At?
8:30 Gittin' Yo Freak On
9:00 Me & My Psychic
9:30 Kids Suck The Darndest Things
10:00 Dawson's Clothes
ANIMAL PLANET
8:00 Incontinent Rhinos
9:00 Dan Taylor: Mongoose Optometrist
10:00 STAY!
10:30 The Best of STAY!
E!
8:00 Andy Gibb: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
9:00 Margot Kidder: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
10:00 Boy George: A Nightmare Descent Into Booze & Pills
ESPN2
8:00 Finland's Brutalest Men
8:30 Being Hit By A Trolley Regional Semifinals
9:00 60 Minutes Of Joe Theismann's Leg Breaking
10:00 Co-Ed Spread-Eagled Weight-Training From Maui
SCI-FI
8:00 Space: 1972
9:00 The Bermuda Triangle: Myth Or Fiction?
10:00 Mid-Budget Galaxy
LIFETIME
8:00 How Can I Choose Between My Daughters?
9:00 The Abused Wife Who Didn't Mean To Kill Her Policeman Husband
In Self-Defense
10:00 The Boy Whose Mommy Watched Far Too Much Television
TNN
8:00 Well, I'll Be Dipped In Pigshit!
9:00 You Hush Up, Wanda Mae
9:30 Sheeeeeeee-It!
10:00 Hold 'Er Down While I Get The Rifle From The Truck
TELEMUNDO
8:00 Roberto Amorosa En Agua Caliente!
9:00 Whoomp! Donde Esta?
9:30 Goooooooooooooal!
10:00 Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai! Ai!
10:30 La Hora De Goya
PUBLIC ACCESS
8:00 Blurry Steve
8:30 Inaudible City Council Meeting
9:00 Do We Have A Caller On The Line? Hello?
9:30 The Best Of Lunch Menus
10:00 My Friend Made This Short Film
10:30 Men With Braids Speak Out
1. Husseinfeld
2. Mad About Everything
3. Allah McBeal
4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror
5. Achmed's Creek
6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right
7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest
8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs
10. Suddenly Sanctions
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:" You'll be making under $7 an hour.
"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:" You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY:" We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:" Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:" We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.
"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:" Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
"IMMEDIATE OPENING:" The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:" We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
"SELF-MOTIVATED:" Management won't answer questions.
"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:" After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
"PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS:" After 3 years, we'll allow you
to fund your
own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching
contribution.
"SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE:"...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:" We have a lot of turnover.
"EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Guys in gray suits
will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
"JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM:" We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
"FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT:" Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
"A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT:" We booze it up at company parties.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:" If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k:" We'll offer you $22k to start.
"A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION:" You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
"FLEXIBLE HOURS:" Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED:" Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:" We have no quality control.
"COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:" Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:" You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:" You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:" Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do.
"ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:" You whine, you're fired!
"ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY:" We loooooove brown-nosers.
"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.
"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably looking for someone more experienced.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job. I'm outta there.
"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.
"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of sexual harassment.
"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!
"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest
and wishing me luck in my future career.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your
eyes look glazed, have you been eating
doughnuts?"
1. Never take a front-row seat at a bris.
2. If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
3. The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
4. And what's wrong with dry turkey?
5. A good kugel sinks in mercury.
6. Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors d'oeuvre.
7. Always whisper the names of diseases.
8. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
9. Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
10. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street
parking is suspended.
11. A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
12. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
13. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten
only in
Chinese Restaurants
14. If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud
enough for everyone else
to hear.
15. No meal is complete without leftovers.
16. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if
you can, make sure you tell
everybody what you paid.
17. The only good thing more important than a good education is a good
parking spot at
the mall.
18. It's not who you know, it's who you know who had a nose job.
19. After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
20. WASPs leave and never say good-bye. Jews say good-bye and never
leave.
21. Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of milk
of magnesia.
22. If you don't eat it, it will kill me.
23. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
24. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
25. Spring ahead, fall back, winter in Miami.
26. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in
the afternoon.
LAST, BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST:
27. There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand
up and tell his mother that he
is an Adult. This usually happens
at around age 45.
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece:
"I can't really remember the names of all the Clubs that we went to."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I Want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want
all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with Promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for four years, not Princeton."
Lou Duva, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew
Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of
what time it is."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships:
"I've won at every level, except college and pro."
1992- Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27
record:
"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager,
I just can't figure out where else to play."
1982 - Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining
to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be
an uncle or an aunt."
1981 - Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born
pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming
contract negotiations:
"He wants Texas back."
1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that
a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books:
"But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
1986 - Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what
he thought of the refs:
"I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
1991 - Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "
25. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
24. "Duct tape won't fix that."
23. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
22. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
21. "You can't feed that to the dog."
20. "No kids in the back of the pickup, it's not safe."
19. "Wrasslin's fake."
18. "I'll have grapefruit today instead of that biscuits and gravy."
17. "Who's Richard Petty?"
16. "Oh, give me the small bag of pork rinds."
15. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
14. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
13. "Trim the fat off that steak!"
12. "The tires on that truck are too darn big."
11. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
10. "I've got it all on floppy disk."
9. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
8. "My fianc=E9 is registered at Tiffany's."
7. "Checkmate."
6. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
5. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
4. "I don't have a favorite college team."
3. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darlin'."
2. "Elvis who?"
And the number one thing you will NEVER hear a Southerner say:
1. "I couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today!"
Psuedo Latin Phrases
From " The Top 5 List "
"Domino vobiscum." (The pizza guy is here.)
"Sharpei diem." (Seize the wrinkled dog.)
"Sic semper tyrannis." (Your dinosaur is ill.)
"Veni, vedi, Vichy." (I came, I saw, I capitulated to German occupation forces.)
"Veni, Vidi, Velcro." (I came; I saw; I stuck around.)
"No Quid Pro Quo." (I'm sorry, we're all out of Quid.)
"Motorolus interruptus." (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.)
"E pluribus septum." (Multiple nose piercings.)
"Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus." (Remove foil before microwaving.)
"Revelare Pecunia!" (Show me the money!)
"Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus." (It is now safe to turn off your computer.)
"Non compos mentis" (I don't know how to get there.)
"Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum
pantorum."
(A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your
pants.)
"Corpus mutilatus, non labori ad infinitum."
(Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.)
10. Tommy Lee's---Camp Kickachickee
9. Lorena Bobbit's---Camp Cutaweewee
8. Tonya Harding---Camp Whackaneenee
7. Kenneth Starr's---Camp Catchacrookee
6. Louis Farakahn's---Camp Killawhitey
5. O.J. Simpson's---Camp Killachickee
4. Michael Jackson's---Camp Wannabewhitey
3. President Clinton's---Camp Gettahoochie
2. Ellen Degeneras's---Camp Lickacoochie
And the number one camp not to send your kid to:
1. Monica Lewinsky's---Camp Sukkapeepee
It's easy! Just follow these 12 steps:
1) First of all, minimize your lies.
12) Try going to law school.
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:
* Drink Liquor.
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual
is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about.
If you're drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll
hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls
your date. But
if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have
STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of information.You'll
argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture.
People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.
* Make things up.
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too. Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled underwear in my bath house."
* Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.," and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases.
Suppose you want to say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more
often, but they don't have enough money." You never win arguments talking
like that. But you WILL win if you say: "Let me put it this way.
In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like
to order them more often, so to speak, but
they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D." Only a fool
would challenge that statement.
* Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the
question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples
and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians and engineers, has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say
As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says
Lincoln died in 1865.
You say
Your begging the question.
OR
You say
Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says
Liberia is in Africa.
You say
You're being defensive.
* Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say: "That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it: you now know how to out-argue anybody.
Do
not try to pull any of this on people who carry weapons.
"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Where's Godot?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"
| Good | Bad | Worse |
| Hot outdoor sex | You're arrested | By your husband |
| The postman's early | He's wearing camos and has an AK-47 | |
| The secretary said "yes." | Your wife says "no." | |
| The teacher likes your son | Sexually | He's gay |
| You came home for a quickie | So did the postman | |
| You came home for a quickie | Your wife walks in | |
| You get a three-day weekend | You get the flu on Friday | |
| You get tickets to the theatre | It's performance art | |
| You go to see a strip show | Your daughter's the headliner | |
| Your boyfriend's exercising | So he'll fit in your clothes | |
| Your car conveniently "runs out of gas | For real | |
| Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right" | It's your son | |
| Your daughter's on the Pill | She's eleven | |
| Your neighbor exercises in the nude | He weighs 350 pounds | |
| Your son's doing extra credit work | Making a sex ed video | |
| Your uncle leaves you a fortune | It's counterfeit | |
| Your wife bought a porn video | Your daughter's the star | |
| Your wife likes outdoor sex | You live downtown | |
| Your wife meets you at the door nude | She's coming home | |
| Your wife's kinky | With the neighbors | All of them. |
| You can't find your vibrator | Your daughter "borrowed" it | |
| You find a porn movie in your son's room | You're in it | |
| Your children are sexually active | With each other | |
| Your husband's a crossdresser | He looks better than you | |
| Your son's involved in Satanism | As a sacrifice | |
| Your wife wants a divorce | She's a lawyer | |
| Your wife's leaving you | For another woman | |
| Your wife's leaving you | To enter a convent | |
| Your wife's arrested for soliciting | She implicates you |
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor,"MayI borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe
into the toilet bowl from a high place
and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically
under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa ! Easy boy !!"
11. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of
your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops,
could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers
Anonymous" newsletter on
the floor visible to the adjacent
stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say,
"Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing"Born Free"
They were looking for people to
submit quotes from their real life DILBERT-type managers. For all you Dilbert
fans out there. These just prove the point that people are promoted
to their level of incompetence. Number 12 is my favorite.
Here are the finalists:
1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access
the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken
next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in
Redmond, WA.)
2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems
that we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It shouldbe used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
No one will believe that you solved this problem in one day!
We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a
few weeks and I'll let you
know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor,
Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp. - This one should have won
first place.)
6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page
proposal that only needed minor corrections/editing, etc. She claims
the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk
I gave her was write-protected.
(CEO of Dell Computers)
7. Quote from the Boss: ''Teamwork is a group of people
doing what I say.''
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled
for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have
to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we
could change her
burial to Friday. He said, ''That would be better for me.''
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. ''We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.'' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: ''This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.'' (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report
to him concerning a project that I was working on. I asked him if
tomorrow would be soon enough. He said ''If I wanted it tomorrow, I would
have waited
until tomorrow to ask for it!'' (New business manager Hallmark
Greeting Cards.)
12. As a director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences I mentioned the ''pedagogical approach'' used by one of the training manuals, which meant the art, science, or profession of teaching.
The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch.
When I asked why, I was told
that she wouldn't stand for ''perverts'' (pedophiliacs?) working
in her company.
Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with
her demand that I be fired - and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.
The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in
his dictionary and
made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not
to worry.
He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos.
A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper!
The following is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.
There was a huge wedding for about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception. To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair; including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was a 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. (He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding). After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F---you," he turned to the bride and said "F---you," and then he turned to the dumb founded crowd and said "I'm out of here!" He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong.
His revenge:
1) Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding
and reception.
2) Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
3) And best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations
in front of all of their friends, parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,
nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has gonads the size of church bells. It's his world, we just live in it.
An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing
or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time
to
waste or is deadly at Scrabble.................
| Dormitory | Dirty Room |
| Evangelist | Evil's Agent |
| Desperation | A Rope Ends It |
| The Morse Code | Here Come Dots |
| Slot Machines | Cash Lost in 'em |
| Mother-in-law | Woman Hitler |
| Snooze Alarms | Alas! No More Z's |
| Animosity | Is No Amity |
| Alec Guinness | Genuine Class |
| Semolina | Is No Meal |
| The Public Art Galleries | Large Picture Halls, I Bet |
| A Decimal Point | I'm a Dot in Place |
| The Earthquakes | That Queer Shake |
| Eleven plus two | Twelve plus one |
| Contradiction | Accord not in it |
This one's truly amazing:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in
the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
And the Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
And for the grand finale:
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
- Neil Armstrong
The Anagram:
"Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!"
The following definitions are from the Washington Post Style Invitational (a weekly contest for readers). The idea of this one is simply to redefine words from the dictionary - no added or changed letters
Abdicate - v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade - v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly - adj., impotent.
Flabbergasted - adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Negligent - adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph - v. To walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle-n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Bustard - n., a very rude Metrobus driver.
Coffee - n., a person who is coughed upon.
Flatulence - n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you arerun over by a steamroller.
Balderdash - n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Semantics - n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of priest's prayer book together just before vespers.
Rectitude - n., the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
Marionettes - n., residents of Washington D.C. who have been jerked around by the mayor.
Oyster - n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent - n., the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
1. Ahhh...I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
LET'S ALL PLAY "BULLSHIT BINGO"!
Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and
seminars? What about those
long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
prepare your "Bullshit Bingo" card by drawing a square -- I find that
5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns --five across and
five down. That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.
2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block: synergy,
strategic fit, core competencies, out of the box, bottom line, revisit,
take that off-line, 24/7, out of the loop, benchmark, value-added,
proactive, win-win, think outside the box, fast track, result-driven,
empower (or empowerment), knowledge base, at the end of the day, touch
base, mindset, client focus(ed), ballpark, game plan, leverage.
3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those
words/phrases.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally,
stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
* "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." -- Jack
W.,Boston
* "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." -- David
D.,Florida
* "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
--Bill R., New York City
* "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us waited
for the fifth box." --Ben G., Denver
* "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the third
time in two hours." --Kathleen L., Atlanta
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....
You
see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
- That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says, “He’s fantastic in bed.”
- That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her
and get her telephone number. The next day you call
and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
- That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up
and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her
bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then
say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
- That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks
up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
- That’s Brand Recognition.
My mother
taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE-
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:-
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next
week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC-
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me LOGIC...#2
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen
THEN?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING....
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!
We all
know that it isn't polite to use the "F" word! There are only ten
times in history the "F" word has been acceptable for use:
10. "What the f___ was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. "Look at all them f___ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877
8. "Any f___ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
7. "It does so f___ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
6. "How the f___ did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. "You want WHAT on the f___ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
4. "Where the f___ are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. "Scattered f___ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
2. "Aw c'mon. Who the f___'s going to find out?"- Bill Clinton,1999
And number 1 . . . drum roll . . . .
1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this f___ing mad." - Osama bin
Laden
Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren't
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open and stuff it in."
"Do you really think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
"Just lay back and take it easy...I'll do the rest."
Things To Avoid Doing During Lord Of The Rings / The Return of the King
1. Stand up halfway through the movie and yell
loudly, "Wait... where the hell is Harry Potter?"
2. Block the entrance to the theater while screaming: "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" -
After the movie, say "Lucas could have done it better."
3. Play a drinking game where you have to take a sip every time someone says:
"The Ring."
4. Point and laugh whenever someone dies.
5. Ask everyone around you if they think Gandalf went to Hogwarts.
6. Finish off every one of Elrond's lines with "Mr. Anderson."
7. When Aragorn is crowned king, stand up and at the top of your lungs sing,
"And I did it....MY way...!"
8. Talk like Gollum all through the movie. At the end, bite off someone's finger
and fall down the stairs.
9. Dress up as old ladies and reenact "The Battle of Helms Deep" Monty Python
style.
10. When Denethor lights the fire, shout "Barbecue!"
11. In TTT when the Ents decide to march to war, stand up and shout "RUN FOREST,
RUN!"
12. Every time someone kills an Orc, yell: "That's what I'm Tolkien about!" See
how long it takes before you get kicked out of the theatre.
13. During a wide shot of a battle, inquire, "Where's Waldo?"
14. Talk loudly about how you heard that there is a single frame of a nude Elf
hidden somewhere in the movie.
15. Start an Orc sing-a-long.
16. Come to the premiere dressed as Frankenfurter and wander around looking
terribly confused.
17. When they go in the paths of the dead, wait for tense moment and shout, "I
see dead people!"
18. Imitate what you think a conversation between Gollum, Jar-jar, Dobby and
Yoda would be like.
19. Release a jar of daddy-long-legs into the theater during the Shelob scene.
20. Wonder out loud if Aragorn is going to run for governor of California.
21. When Shelob comes on, exclaim, "Man! Charlotte's really let herself go!"
Alabama: Hell, Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians