NEWS ALERT!

Men and Women are NOT alike. For this very reason, we bring to you . . .

Some of the sections below are excerpted from "John DeBella's Modern Guide to Understanding....Your Man / Woman", soon to be published by Harper Collins, or Random House, or someone. More sections will be added later. Perhaps when Hell freezes over. Click on any section to be taken for a ride:

Consumer's Report on Selecting a Girlfriend	SNAGs? WIPs? TODs?
Pleasing Your Man the 50's Way	Pleasing Your Man...The Updated Version
John DeBella's Dictionary of Dating	John DeBella's Guide to Men and Women
John DeBella's Guide to...What She Really Means	John DeBella's Modern Guide to Understanding... Your Man
The Last Ten Things Any (Wo)Man Would Ever Say	The Last Ten Things Someone in an Alternate Lifestyle Would Ever Say
John DeBella's Handbook of Understanding DateTalk	John DeBella's 50 Laws of Sex
Girlfriend Version 1.0	Dating Don'ts For Guys
Top 10 Rejection Lines by Men / Women	The Rules of Bedroom Golf
John DeBella's Standardized Baseball Guide To Sex	John DeBella's Facts About Women
Top 10 Things A Woman Would Do If She Woke Up And Had A Penis For A Day	Top 10 Thing A Man Would Do If He Woke Up And Had A Vagina For A Day
Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?	If Men Took The Pill . . .
Love, Lust, Marriage	Dating Rejection Letter
The Men's / Ladies Remote	30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
More of . . . What Men Really Mean	10 THINGS WOMEN WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND...
How To Impress a Man / Woman	The Perfect Day
Male Brain	Female Brain
Rules Guys Wish Women Knew	A Man's Perspective
The Truth about Bra Sizes	What A Man Truly Needs
30 Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than A Wives	Man Rules
How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct	Prayers - Girls / Boys
Kids Advice on Marriage	Proving The Impossible
Words Women Use

The Consumer's Report on Selecting a Girlfriend

It's been over 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug. 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.

As in selecting a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This, in large part, will dictate the final product you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.

The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.

Used vs. New?

A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:

Your age	New or Used
1-12 years	See Note A
13-16 years	New
17-21 years	Used, but not used up
22-35 years	Used heavily
35-60 years	New (see note B)
60+	(see note A)

Notes:

A: Seek psychiatric help

B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".

New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.

Accessories

Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.

The Test Ride

When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?

Ordering Out vs. On-The-Lot

Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.

Methodology

Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.

Results

Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.

Category	Comments
Goddess	This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available.
Goddess-in-law	This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs.
Ms. Right	The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment.
Babe	This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs.
Friend	The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality.
Yeah, Her	The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.

Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!

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John DeBella's Guide to Men and Women:

Relationships

First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "the time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and I'll never forgive you and I hate you and you're a total whore. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the 'I Hate You/I Love You - Drunken Phone Call. 99% of all men have placed at least one such call. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

Sex:

Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:

Women mature much faster then men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

Hats:

Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.

Comedy:

Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

Handwriting:

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use rediculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Bathrooms:

A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these.

Magazines:

Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.

Groceries:

A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. [of course! :)

Cats:

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Jewelry:

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Menopause:

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone:

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Low Blows:

Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Admitting Mistakes:

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere (see also -- Patrick Swayze):

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

This article was taken from the December 1995 issue of "Self" magazine,
written by Stephanie Dolgoff.

SNAGs? WIPs? TODs? What do you call a man if wuss or hunk fails to cover all the subtleties of a time when everyone seems to be in therapy, scared of commitment, working through issues or just coming off a bad breakup? In the spirit of DINS (Double Income No Sex), we've compiled the essential guide to love and disfunction using acronyms to sum up the men and the mind-boggling situations that everyone has encountered while pursuing a real relationship.

Searching for a sensitive guy? Be careful you don't hit a SNAG.

These guys use moves they've picked up from the _sincerely_ empathetic types so they, in turn, can pick up women. They walk the walk by letting you pay for dinner after yoga class, and even talk the talk - "I'm really concerned about how you feel" - but they never really listen. Fear not; after encountering a few SNAGS, you'll be able to spot the truly sensitive guy when he comes along.

A guy with potential whom you take on knowing that you'll be spoon-feeding him tips on basic social skills: "If you could ask me how I'm doing once in a while, that would be really great" or, depending upon your standards, "Honey, that's a fork. We use it to eat."

You have an ICH (pronounced "itch") when you tend tragically toward WIPs. Best bet: Scratch the WIPs off your list and leave the ICH syndrome to someone with nothing better to do.

If he's handsome, smart, funny, unmarried and utterly uninterested in you, he gets a PG rating. Yes, it's politically incorrect. No, it's never 100 percent accurate. Of course, it's not fair. But egos must be preserved.

You know you're dating a TOD (pronounced "toad") when he can't seem to stop using phrases like "compulsive personality," "codependency," and "obsessive" to justify the error of his ways or to criticize your perfectly human foibles. TODs tend to use therapy jargon to dodge responsibility, as in "I recognize I have issues around monogamy, but transferring pent-up anger about your father makes me want to retreat," rather than admitting to having slept with his coworker. Again.

NICs are those guys who have never gotten over being considered dweebs in high school and are intent on making up for lost time by cutting a wide remantic swath through the female population. "If I can date her, I must be able to get someone better," they think during the middle of your third - and final - date.

A YOC date (pronounced "yuck) is one where he insists on dividing the check to the penny, according to how many fries and and cups of coffee you each consumed. He won't be sexually or emotionally generous either.

Having just set eyes on an IBM, you're already calculating your possible genetic combinations with him and visualizing what your child would look like if he were the dad.

MOL describes the use of an actual or imagined call-waiting beep to escape a conversation. "He wouldn't get off the phone, so I had to MOL him." A gross breach of telephone etiquette, but it's an effective technique nonetheless.

A PUP is anyone you deem worthy of your attention. For example, you see a PUP on the stairclimber at the gym and you consider asking him out for a postworkout fruit juice.

A gym predator who peacocks in front of the full-length mirror, the SIS only pauses to offer to spot you when you are hoisting those arduous three-pound free weights. His interest lies in swapping sweat, not knowledge.

The average-looking guy who wipes the mustard off his child's shirt becomes a BOOR - instantly because he's unavailable.

GET YOUR WORK DONE: Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock. Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome.

HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your F.W. assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part.

MINIMIZE ALL NOISE: Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their system.

CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming.

BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM: Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now.

SOME DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening. Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day. Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later.

MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind.

LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later.

MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or irritable, never fight back. Again, try to understand his world of strain.

THE GOAL: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband **will want to come home** He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation.

 

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And now the updated Fascinating Womanhood for the New Millennium.

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been lousy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile ... this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.

 

John DeBella's Dictionary of Dating"

LAW OF RELATIVITY ------ how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

SOBER --------- condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

FRIEND --------- a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE --- a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING ---- a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

EASY ----- a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT ------- what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram,using a condom, and dating repulsive people.

DATING ------- the process of spending enormous amount of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

ATTRACTION ----- the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

EYE CONTACT --- a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead, leave the seat up, I don't mind.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. Oral sex makes you happy...... you don't have to say anything else.
3. Wow, it is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her breasts are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
1. I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask directions.

10. Sure my parents know and they couldn't be happier.
9. I went to the Melissa Etheridge concert just for the music.
8. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert....never heard of it.
7. That Martina Navratolova sure is sexy.
6. Go both ways? No I've never heard that expression.
5. I think leotards are always too tight.
4. K.D. Lang looks nothing like my brother.
3. Poor Liberace....what victim of the dreaded Watermelon Diet is next.
2. Long time companion....that could mean anything.
1. Someone has to say it....The Village People made damn great albums.

If he says...... "Its never been like this before."
What he really means is: "It's my first time." 

If she says.... "Yes...Yes...(scream!)."
What she really means is: "Aren't you done yet?" 

If she says...."We need to talk."
What she really means is: "I'm pregnant." 

But if either asks in that questioning tone......"Was it good for you"
What he really means is: "It wasn't for me" 

If He say's...."I never meant to hurt you."
What he really means is: "I didn't know you were a virgin." 

If He Say's...."I think we should see other people."
What He really means is: "I have been seeing other people." 

But if either say's....."We don't have to do anything until you are ready"
What they really mean is: "Put out or get out."

If He says........"Let's get married."
What He really means is: "Does that mean we can do it now?"

"John DeBella's 50 Laws of Sex"

1. The more beautiful the woman who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. No sex with anyone in the same office.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. Nothing improves with age.
9. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
10. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
11. If you get them by the short hairs, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
26. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
31. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
32. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless you're really in the mood.
33. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Never lie down with someone who's got more troubles than you.
38. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
39. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
40. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
42. Love comes in spurts.
43. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
44. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

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The Perfect Day
Perfect Day

According to him:
10:00am Wake up
10:02am Oral sex
10:10am Big breakfast
11:30am Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
1:30pm Enormous lunch
2:20pm Oral sex
2:30pm Play sport with the guys
4:00pm Drink lots with the guys
6:40pm Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:50pm Oral Sex
7:00pm Huge dinner, followed by more drinks with the guys
11:00pm Arrive home
11:05pm Full-on, get-down, gorilla sex
11:20pm Fall asleep
 

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Girlfriend Version 1.0

Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
-A "Don't remind me again" button
-Minimize button
-Shutdown feature
-An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
- I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.

Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also, beware of similar hardware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a Usenet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the Usenet.
 

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Dating Don'ts For Guys
 

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

• "Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?"
• "I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired."
• "No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol and penicillin."
• "I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you."
• "People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell."
• "I used to come here all the time with my ex."
• "I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it."
• "Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour."
• "I like clay. It's mushy."
• "I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look."
• "And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."
• "I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask."
• "It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am."
• "Dropping my pants just scared them. But when my underwear hit the ground... Man! I never knew Jehovah's Witnesses could run that fast."

---

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Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women . . . and what they really mean.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in"Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men. . . and what they really mean.

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

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More of . . . What Men Really Mean

1. "I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
2. "Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
3. "Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
4. "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
5. "It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
6. "Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the table?"
7. "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean.... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
8. "Good idea." Really means.... "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
9. "Have you lost weight?" Really means.... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
10. "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means.... "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
11. "It would take too long to explain." Really means.... "I have no idea how it works."
12. "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means.... "The batteries in the remote are dead."
13. "I got a lot done." Really means.... "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
14. "We're going to be late." Really means.... "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
15. "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means.... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
16. "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means.... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
17. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means.... "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
18. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means.... "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
19. "That's interesting, dear." Really means.... "Are you still talking?"
20. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means...."I forgot our anniversary again."
21. "You expect too much of me." Really means.... "You want me to stay awake."
22. "It's a really good movie." Really means.... "It's got guns, knives, fastcars, and Heather Locklear."
23. "That's women's work." Really means.... "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
24. "Will you marry me?" Really means.... "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
25. "Go ask your mother." Really means.... "I am incapable of making a decision."
26. "You know how bad my memory is." Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
27. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means...."The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
28. "Football is a man's game." Really means.... "Women are generally too smart to play it."
29. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
30. "I do help around the house." Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
31. "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
32. "I can't find it." Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
33. "What did I do this time?" Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
34. "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means.... "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
35. "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means.... "She refused to make my coffee."
36. "But I hate to go shopping." Really means.... "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
37. "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means.... "You may actually get it to start."
38. "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means....
39. "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."
40. "I heard you." Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
41. "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
42. "You look terrific." Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
43. "I brought you a present." Really means.... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
44. "I missed you." Really means.... "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
45. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
46. "We share the housework." Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
47. "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means.... "I like you more than my truck."
48. "I recycle." Really means.... "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
49. "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means.... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
50. "It sure snowed last night." Really means.... "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
51. "It's good beer." Really means.... "It was on sale."
52. "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means.... "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
53. "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means.... "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
54. "I broke up with her." Really means.... "She dumped me."
55. "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means.... "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."

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John DeBella's Facts About Women
 

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Love, Lust, Marriage
 

LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don'tcare

LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money

LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Gidday"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's
game starts

LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's

LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a shit
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV

LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old shit
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score
 

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TEN THINGS WOMEN WILL SIMPLY NEVER UNDERSTAND
A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand...

1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.

    Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well-documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength", because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish-fulfilment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating theatre-quality air." I kept him away from my surgical-steel steak knives.

2. Why we are so bad at shopping.

    We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males-- which is why if you send a man out to buy eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans, and a tree.

3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.

    Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.

4. Why we think we can fix things.

Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.

5. Men and video games.

    Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy-eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair -- when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.

6. That sometimes we really are ill.

    When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any better.

7. The way we watch television.

    Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.

8. Our sense of humor.

    When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humour, they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of your mate who makes beer come out of his nose.

9. Why we're so boring.

    Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story-telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.

10. The male menopause.

    Mid-life crisis, the seven-year itch, whatever you like to call it -- women don't understand the seriousness of this condition, instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his age. Like there has to be more to it than that.
 
 

Dear (her name) or babe,

    I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.

    So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

 (Check those that apply)

Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.

___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.

___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

___ My breasts are bigger than yours.

___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.

___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.

___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.

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THE RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

     1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two  balls.

     2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of a hole.

     3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

     4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are  permitted to check shaft stiffness
         before play begins.

     5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

     6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play
          is complete.  Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

     7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player
          will normally take time to admire the entire course,  with special attention to well formed bunkers.

     8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the
         course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.

     9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

     10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course
           is being played for the first time. Previous players  have become irate if they discover someone else playing on
           what they consider  to be a private course.

     11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they
           find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
           More advanced players will find other means of play when this is the case.

     12. Players are advised to obtain course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

     13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily,
           at the course owners request.

     14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

     15. The course owner will be the sole judge of the best performer.

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John DeBella's Standardized Baseball Guide To Sex

Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you remember talking
about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, so and so went behind the
gym and they got to second base!"

Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue kissing? Up the
shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as
you got older. What's a person to do?

Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual activity. But
let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex-play. So, in the
interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern
romance and with standardizing the bases, we present: the Standardized Guide to the
Bases.
 
 

          First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:

FIRST BASE - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew thought it meant
holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.

SECOND BASE - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the
clothes genital contact.

THIRD BASE - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.

HOME RUN - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the times when
you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed sex drive. But what
happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex?
And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling
questions and present without further ado:

John DeBella's Standardized Baseball Guide to Sex

     (THE BASICS)
     On Deck - Having plans for a date
     Strike-Out - Duh!! (No Date)
     Walk - Kissing / No Tongues
     Single - Tongue kissing
     Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels.
     Triple - Most of the clothes off, possible genital contact, mutual masturbation.
     Home Run - SEX!
     Bunt - Masturbation
     Foul tip - VD
     Three up and three down - impotency.
     Inside the park home run - Oral Sex.
     Pre-Game Warm-up - Fore-play.
     Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom.
     Balk - Premature ejaculation.
     Error - Condom breaks during sex.
     Double Play - Having two partners at the same time.
     Loaded Bases - manage a trois.
     Ground Out - Moving for first base but partner says.... "Not on a first date."
     Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom.
     Score Card - Number of times you orgasm vs. number of times partner
     orgasms.
     Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours.

     (FIELD TERMS)
     Pine Tar - Synthetic Lubrication
     Relief pitcher - Vibrator
     Pinch Runner - Tag-team sex with your roommate
     Fast ball - Three strokes DONE!
     In a pickle - Getting caught cheating on a partner
     Getting the signals crossed - Moving in for the home run and ending up with a
     strike out.
     Box Seats - Waterbed
     Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
     Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.
     Stranding the runner - You orgasm, your partner doesn't.

     (LEAGUE TERMS)
     Spectator - Peeping Tom
     Forfeit - Date stands you up
     Out of play - That time of the month
     Cleared the bases - Changed the sheets
     Bleacher Seats - Roommate's perspective while you are going at it
     Suspended - Partner says they need some time alone
     Being Traded - Being dumped for someone else
     Free Agent - Recently dumped, currently unattached
     Disabled list - Done it so much you can't stand
     Ejected from game - Partner throws you off during rodeo sex

     (THE PLAYERS)
     Rookie - Virgin
     Veteran - Prostitute
     Talent Agent - Pimp
     Scout - Someone scoping out your partner on a date
     Minor Leagues - Under 18
     All Stars Game - Doing it with your X while still going out with your present
     Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
     Hall of Fame - When you ask if "Was it good for you" and they say "YES!!!"
 

Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly contrast the old confusion with current
clarity:

OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like past third base, but
not to home plate. I really like her...

NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park home run, and started
thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!

NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when I balked during
the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.

 1.    I've smoked fatter joints than that.
 2.    Ahhhh, it's cute.
 3.    Why don't we just cuddle?
 4.    You know they have surgery to fix that.
 5.    Make it dance.
 6.    Can I paint a smiley face on it?
 7.    Wow, and your feet are so big.
 8.    It's OK, we'll work around it.
 9.    Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
 10.   Oh no... a flash headache.
 11.   (giggle and point)
 12.   Can I be honest with you?
 13.   How sweet, you brought incense.
 14.   This explains your car.
 15.   Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
 16.   Why is God punishing me?
 17.   At least this won't take long.
 18.   I never saw one like that before.
 19.   But it still works, right?
 20.   It looks so unused.
 21.   Maybe it looks better in natural light.
 22.   Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
 23.   Are you cold?
 24.   If you get me real drunk first.
 25.   Is that an optical illusion?
 26.   What is that?
 27.   It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
 28.   Does it come with an air pump?
 29.   So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
 30.   I guess this makes me the early bird.

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini & cucumbers.
 9.  Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
 8.  See if they could finally do the splits.
 7.  See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
 6.  Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
 5.  Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
 4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
 3.  Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
 2.  Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

AND THE NUMBER ONE thing a man would do is:

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

TOP 10 THINGS A WOMAN WOULD DO IF SHE WOKE UP WITH A PENIS FOR A DAY

 10.  Get ahead faster in corporate America.
 9.  Get a blow job.
 8.  Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
 7.  Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
 6.  Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
 5.  Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
 4.  Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
 3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
 2.  Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes
      and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final
      number.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING WOMEN WOULD DO ......

1. Repeat number 9.

• You haven't asked yet.
• I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
• Because I just love hearing this question.
• Just lucky, I guess.
• It gives my mother something to live for.
• My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
• I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
• Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
• I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
• It didn't seem worth a blood test.
• I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
• Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
• My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
• I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
• They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
• I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
• I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
• What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
• I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
• Why aren't you thin?
• I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.

If Men Took The Pill . . .

British researchers announced last month a breakthrough in their development of an oral contraceptive for men. The pill was administered to 23 bold volunteers; the majority produced no active sperm after three months. The sperm loss was temporary, but the side effects required patients to use testosterone patches in order to keep their manly form. To overcome this marketing dilemma, Time Magazine asked the fertile minds at various ad agencies to think up some potent campaigns.
 

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN / MAN:

Woman

Man

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are.  Do not ask us.  We refuse to answer.
    
2. Learn to work the toilet seat.  You're a big girl.  If it's up, put it down.
   
3. Do not cut your hair.  Ever.  Long hair is always more attractive than short
   hair.  One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married
   women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
   
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
   find the perfect present yet again!
   
5. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you.  Live with it.
   
6. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
   such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and hockey.
   
7. Sunday = sports.  It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.  Let
   it be.
   
8. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
   
9. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.  Really.
   
10. You have enough clothes.  You have too many shoes.
    
11. Crying is blackmail.
    
12. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
    
13. Ask for what you want.  Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
    work.  Strong hints do not work.  Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
    
14. We don't remember dates.  Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.
    
15. Remind us frequently beforehand.
    
16. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops.  What makes you think we'd be
    any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
    dress?
    
17. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
    
18. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
    do.  Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    
19. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.  See a doctor.
    
20. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
    
21. Check your oil.  Please.
    
22. Do not fake it.  We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
    
23. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all
    comments become null and void after 7 days.
    
24. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act
    like the soap opera guys.
    
25. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes
    you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    
26. Let us ogle.  We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
    
27. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
    
28. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not
    both.  If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
    
29. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
    
30. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
    
31. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain
    about having their boobs stared at.  More women should wear Wonderbras and
    low-cut blouses.
    
32. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we
    were going out.  Get over it.  And quit whining to your girlfriends like
    THEIR relationship is SO MUCH better.
    
33. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.  Peach, for
    example, is a fruit, not a color.  Pumpkin is also a fruit.  We have no idea
    what mauve is.
    
34. If it itches, it will be scratched.
    
35. We are not mind readers and we never will be.  Our lack of mind-reading
    ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
    
36. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
    wrong.  We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
    
37. What the hell is a doily?

What A Man Truly Needs

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a  girlfriend. When I was
16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.  So I decided I needed a
passionate girl with a zest for  life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was  too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen,  cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl  with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl  but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited  about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with  some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl,  but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another,  never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and flirted  with everyone she met. She made me
miserable as often as happy. She was  great fun initially and very
energetic, but directionless. So I  decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned  31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the  ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and  took everything I owned.

I am now over 40 and am looking  for a girl with good  tits.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She doesn't NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE TITS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

A GIRLS PRAYER

Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the pool, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.



A BOYS PRAYER

Lord,
I pray for a girl with nice tits.
Amen.

Bra Sizes

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs

B - Barely there

C - Can Do

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake

Man Rules

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
    

2. It is okay for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
         a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master.
         b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
         c. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
         d. When your date is using her teeth.
    

3. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
    

4. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin.
    

5. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
    

6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
    

7. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.
    

8. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
    

9. Women who claim to "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.
    

10. Women don't get the 3 Stooges, stop trying to explain what's funny about them.

30 Reasons Why A Dog  Is Better Than A Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman- Marcus.

30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.

---

Proving The Impossible

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with
a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors ... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has
signs telling you what's inside."

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads ...
"All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads ...
"All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly".

This wasn't going to do, so the friends moved up. The third floor where the
sign read ..."All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
This was good but there were still two more floors.

On to the fourth floor, the sign was perfect.... "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive
and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."

The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the
fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the fifth floor, the sign reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."

---

Kids Advice On Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
 * Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
  * Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
 * Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
 * Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
 * Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
 * Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
 * Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
 There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
 *Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
 *Ricky, age 10
 

---

---

Words Women Use

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and
you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will
cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even
trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes.  "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get
a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men.  A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that
moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying
you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used
with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you
shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint!  Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she
is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some
callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask
what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
 

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