Men and Women are NOT alike. For this very reason, we bring to you . . .
Some of the sections below are excerpted from "John DeBella's Modern Guide to Understanding....Your Man / Woman", soon to be published by Harper Collins, or Random House, or someone. More sections will be added later. Perhaps when Hell freezes over. Click on any section to be taken for a ride:
Consumer's Report on Selecting a Girlfriend SNAGs? WIPs? TODs? Pleasing Your Man the 50's Way Pleasing Your Man...The Updated Version John DeBella's Dictionary of Dating John DeBella's Guide to Men and Women John DeBella's Guide to...What She Really Means John DeBella's Modern Guide to Understanding... Your Man The Last Ten Things Any (Wo)Man Would Ever Say The Last Ten Things Someone in an
Alternate Lifestyle Would Ever Say
John DeBella's Handbook of Understanding DateTalk John DeBella's 50 Laws of Sex Girlfriend Version 1.0 Dating Don'ts For Guys Top 10 Rejection Lines by Men / Women The Rules of Bedroom Golf John DeBella's Standardized Baseball Guide To Sex John DeBella's Facts About Women Top 10 Thing A Man Would Do If He Woke Up
And Had A Vagina For A Day
Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet? If Men Took The Pill . . . Love, Lust, Marriage Dating Rejection Letter The Men's / Ladies Remote 30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man More of . . . What Men Really Mean 10 THINGS WOMEN WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND... How To Impress a Man / Woman The Perfect Day Male Brain Female Brain Rules Guys Wish Women Knew The Truth about Bra Sizes 30 Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than A Wives How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct Kids Advice on Marriage Words Women Use
The Consumer's Report on Selecting a Girlfriend
It's been over 20 years since Consumer's Reports reviewed girlfriends (CR, Aug. 1972). Since then, styles have changed, new features have been introduced, and the market for girlfriends has changed substantially. So we here at CU decided another report was needed.
As in selecting a car or a computer, you should ask yourself what you need a girlfriend for before obtaining one. This, in large part, will dictate the final product you should consider. Do you want an intellectual companion? A baby factory? A hiking partner? Or just lots of good, old-fashioned sex? Identifying your needs is the first, and most important, step in selecting a girl- friend.
The second question which needs to be addressed is, of course, how much you are able to spend. This is largely determined by your physical and personal characteristics--if you are good looking, have a commanding personality and a good sense of humor, you will have the resources to obtain a fancy, high-end model. On the other hand, if you are ugly, smell bad, and wear polyester clothes, your choices are more limited. Keep your purchasing power in mind when considering your selection. Although the salesman will tell you that a girlfriend can be financed, CU does not recommend this practice; due to inflating expectations, the required monetary outlay will actually *increase* with time.
Used vs. New?
A question many girlfriend seekers have to address is whether to get a new or a used girlfriend. The answer to this question will, roughly speaking, be determined by your age, as shown in the following table:
Your age New or Used 1-12 years See Note A 13-16 years New 17-21 years Used, but not used up 22-35 years Used heavily 35-60 years New (see note B) 60+ (see note A)
A: Seek psychiatric help
B: Only "new" if income > $100,000/year. Otherwise, "divorced".
New girlfriends have the advantage that they have no previous bad experiences to project on you, but the disadvantage that they will rarely be old enough to open their own checking account. Used girlfriends, on the other hand, may be steady, reliable performers, with the initial problems worked out, but CU advises that you avoid models which have much more than average mileage (2.1 SO's/yr). Much greater than the average may be an indication that the girlfriend was a professional.
Often the potential girlfriends you see on the lot or in a tavern will be loaded with accessories, as the dealer gets a high markup on such items as large bosom, long legs, green eyes, etc. Other accessories will only appeal to fringe markets, such as models which come pre-equipped with children, or the ability run 10 miles while chanting sanskrit. In such cases you should make a list of accessories desired, tolerated, and disliked. Note that some accessories (such as children) can be added later, while others (such as a large bosom) must be factory installed.
The Test Ride
When evaluating a girlfriend, a test ride is essential. The test ride ritual begins with the so-called "pickup line", which can range from the simple if dull ("Can I buy you a drink?") to the aggressively hip ("dance with me or I'll kill you") to the arcane ("You're my Camus comrade, and I want to leap you, Faith!"). CU rates as Not Acceptable "Smile, you'll look better." Once on the test bed, evaluate handling, stability, and acceleration. The two questions you want to answer are: how fast, and how far? Examine the detailing. Does the bosom sag? Does the heater warm adequately, or does she remain cool?
Ordering Out vs. On-The-Lot
Finding the right girlfriend can be a frustrating experience, and many potential customers find it hard to get the exact model and accessories wanted. In such cases ordering from the factory is an option. Delivery time, however, is from 14 to 16 years (depending on the state you live in), and CU questions the usefulness of such a practice: if you have access to the baby factory, you should reconsider your need for a girlfriend anyway.
Girlfriends were evaluated by a dedicated group of 10 test engineers, selected to typify the average seeking population. All tests were performed at CU's specially constructed test facility, which included a bedroom, kitchen, and living room, and at a number of bars and taverns surrounding the facility. A series of seven tests were run, evaluating each product according to the following criterion: intelligence, wit, humor, empathy, initiative, looks, and performance.
Girlfriends are grouped together in categories by similarity. Within each category, variation is not statistically significant.
Until you find her, we at CU wish you Happy Hunting!
Category Comments Goddess This is the woman of your dreams. She comes equipped with all the options you want and none of the ones you don't. She can argue subtle points of philosophy, give you a stiff game of racquetball, understand what you mean even if you don't say it, and break a bed. No mental or physical hang-ups. The drawback is that this model is not actually available. Goddess-in-law This model is similar to the goddess, but comes with contractual retainers, such as a psychotic ex-husband, a spiteful mother, an alcoholic father, and a bratty kid. This model tends to generate grey hairs. Ms. Right The best all-around choice for most girlfriend situations. Has most of the characteristics of the Goddess except possibly in the wrong size or hair color. Other than that, an excellent long-term investment. Babe This is the flashy, fully-loaded variety with all the options. Unfortunately this model lacks cognitive powers and empathy. Showy, and suitable for a parade or for impressing your friends, but not for your long-term girlfriend needs. Friend The model with the most empathy. Caring and kind but you wouldn't be caught dead in it. Availability is poor to fair, depending on quality. Yeah, Her The Ford Escort of girlfriends. Widely available, but useful as a girlfriend only in a pinch, if no others are available. Tends to be spiteful or unreliable, or have a dull finish.
John DeBella's Guide to Men and Women:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "the time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and I'll never forgive you and I hate you and you're a total whore. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the 'I Hate You/I Love You - Drunken Phone Call. 99% of all men have placed at least one such call. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Women mature much faster then men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.
Women look good in hats; men look like dinks.
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use rediculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these.
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the light of day.
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. [of course! :)
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional and psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in men provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh, gee. That must hurt." The man doubles over and actually feels pain.
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Richard Gere (see also -- Patrick Swayze):
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
This article was taken from
the December 1995 issue of "Self" magazine,
written by Stephanie Dolgoff.
SNAGs? WIPs? TODs? What do you call a man if wuss or hunk fails to cover all the subtleties of a time when everyone seems to be in therapy, scared of commitment, working through issues or just coming off a bad breakup? In the spirit of DINS (Double Income No Sex), we've compiled the essential guide to love and disfunction using acronyms to sum up the men and the mind-boggling situations that everyone has encountered while pursuing a real relationship.SNAG (Sensitive New Age Guy)
These guys use moves they've picked up from the _sincerely_ empathetic types so they, in turn, can pick up women. They walk the walk by letting you pay for dinner after yoga class, and even talk the talk - "I'm really concerned about how you feel" - but they never really listen. Fear not; after encountering a few SNAGS, you'll be able to spot the truly sensitive guy when he comes along.
GET YOUR WORK DONE: Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock. Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome.
HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
PREPARE YOURSELF: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your F.W. assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
PREPARE THE CHILDREN: Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part.
MINIMIZE ALL NOISE: Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their system.
CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming.
BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM: Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now.
SOME DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening. Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day. Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later.
MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind.
LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later.
MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or irritable, never fight back. Again, try to understand his world of strain.
THE GOAL: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband **will want to come home** He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation.
And now the updated Fascinating Womanhood for the New Millennium.
1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been lousy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile ... this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.
8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make more money than he does.
John DeBella's Dictionary of Dating"
LAW OF RELATIVITY ------ how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
SOBER --------- condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
FRIEND --------- a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE --- a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."
INTERESTING ---- a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
EASY ----- a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT ------- what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphram,using a condom, and dating repulsive people.
DATING ------- the process of spending enormous amount of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
ATTRACTION ----- the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
EYE CONTACT --- a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.
The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say:
The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say:
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead, leave the seat up, I don't mind.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. Oral sex makes you happy...... you don't have to say anything else.
3. Wow, it is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
The Last 10 Things Someone in an Alternate Lifestyle Would Ever Say:
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her breasts are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.
2. Screw Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
1. I think we're lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
10. Sure my parents know and they couldn't be happier.
9. I went to the Melissa Etheridge concert just for the music.
8. Priscilla, Queen of the Desert....never heard of it.
7. That Martina Navratolova sure is sexy.
6. Go both ways? No I've never heard that expression.
5. I think leotards are always too tight.
4. K.D. Lang looks nothing like my brother.
3. Poor Liberace....what victim of the dreaded Watermelon Diet is next.
2. Long time companion....that could mean anything.
1. Someone has to say it....The Village People made damn great albums.
|If she says.........||What she means is....|
|Do you love me?||I'm going to ask for something expensive.|
|How much do you love me?||I did something today you're really not going to like.|
|I need wedding shoes||The other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.|
|Be romantic, turn out the lights.||I have flabby thighs.|
|I'll be ready in a minute.||Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.|
|I heard a noise||I noticed you were almost asleep.|
|I'm not upset||Of course I'm upset....you moron!|
|I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!||It's that time of the month.|
|You have to learn to communicate.||Just agree with me.|
|Are you listening to me!?||[Too late, you're dead.]|
|We need||I want|
|We need to talk||I need to complain|
|Sure... go ahead||I don't want you to.|
|It's your decision||The correct decision should be obvious bozo.|
|Do what you want||You'll pay for this later.|
|Is my butt fat?||Tell me I'm beautiful.|
|Do you like this recipe?||It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.|
|You're...so manly||You need a shave and you sweat a lot.|
|I want new curtains||and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....|
|You're certainly attentive tonight.||Is sex all you ever think about?|
In answering the question "What's wrong?"
|If she says.........||What she means is....|
|The same old thing||Nothing|
|Everything||My PMS is acting up|
|Nothing, really||It's just that you're such an ass.|
|I don't want to talk about it||Go away, I'm still building up steam.|
|Was it good for you?||I'm insecure about my manhood.|
|I want a commitment.||I'm sick of masturbation.|
|I had a wonderful time last night.||Who the hell are you?|
|I've been thinking alot.||You're not as attractive as when I was drunk.|
|I'll give you a call.||I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.|
|I'm a romantic.||I'm poor.|
|I think we should just be friends.||You're ugly.|
|Haven't I seen you before?||Nice ass!|
|I have something to tell you.||Get tested.|
|No, I don't want to dance right now.||Shoot! She'll know she gave me a woody!|
|The breakup should not start till tomorrow||I want to have sex a few more times.|
|You're the only girl I've ever cared about.||You're the only girl who hasn't rejected me.|
|We've been through so much together||If not for you, I would have never lost my virginity.|
|I've learned a lot from you.||NEXT!!!|
|I need you.||My hand is tired.|
|I want you back.||. . . for tonight anyway.|
|I'm different from all other guys.||I'm not circumcised.|
|I miss you so much||I'm so horny my roommate is starting to look good.|
|Want to snuggle?||I noticed you were almost asleep.|
|Do you love me?||I've done something really stupid you might find out about.|
|Do you *really* love me?||I've done something stupid you're going to find out about sooner or later.|
|How much do you love me?||I've done something *really* stupid and someone's on their way to tell you now.|
|Its just orange juice, try it.||3 more shots, and you'll have your legs around my head!|
|She's kinda cute.||I wanna have sex with her till I'm blue.|
|I don't know if I like her.||She won't sleep with me.|
|I really want to get to know you better||So I can tell my friends about it.|
|How do I compare with all of your other boyfriends?||Is my penis really that small?|
|The car isn't running right.||I want a bigger engine and more knobs to play with.|
|My tools are obsolete||I can't figure out how to work the old ones, and the commercial says, even a chimp can use the new ones.|
|I know where I am.||Oh God! Where the hell am I?|
|I need new shoes.||The pair I've had since high school fell apart in the rain.|
|The remote is broken.||Come here wherever you are and change the channel for me.|
|I'm hungry.||Make me something to eat.|
|This kitchen is so inconvenient.||I can't see the TV from here.|
|The dishwasher is full.||I've run out of places to hide the dirty dishes.|
|The decision is yours.||I'm totally clueless, so you decide and I'll take half the credit.|
|We need to talk||I need to complain|
|Sure . . . go ahead||I don't want you too . . .but . . . I'll use this the next time we fight to show how supportive I am.|
|You're so . . . feminine.||Do you windows, cook, laundry, bake?|
|Let's be romantic . . . turn out the lights.||Beer gut? What beer gut? . . . Ohh . . . Uh Oh.|
|You want?||I know what you want.|
|We need||I want.|
|Do what you want and sulk||I'll just sit on the couch.|
|I'm feeling romantic tonight.||There's no game on TV.|
|I'm not emotional, and I'm not overreacting.||I'm losing my hair.|
|I had her.||I had (wet dreams about) her all week.|
|Nothing.||I'm in the middle of a fantasy, go away.|
|Nothing really.||Its just that I'm such a smacked ass.|
|I'm not upset.||Of course I'm upset, but only a wuss would admit it.|
|I don't want to talk about it.||I'm impotent.|
|Everything.||Some gorgeous 18 year old just called me, "sir."|
If he says...... "Its never been like this before."
What he really means is: "It's my first time."
If she says.... "Yes...Yes...(scream!)."
What she really means is: "Aren't you done yet?"
If she says...."We need to talk."
What she really means is: "I'm pregnant."
But if either asks in that questioning tone......"Was it good for you"
What he really means is: "It wasn't for me"
If He say's...."I never meant to hurt you."
What he really means is: "I didn't know you were a virgin."
If He Say's...."I think we should see other people."
What He really means is: "I have been seeing other people."
But if either say's....."We don't have to do anything until you are
What they really mean is: "Put out or get out."
If He says........"Let's get married."
What He really means is: "Does that mean we can do it now?"
"John DeBella's 50 Laws of Sex"
According to him:
10:00am Wake up
10:02am Oral sex
10:10am Big breakfast
11:30am Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
1:30pm Enormous lunch
2:20pm Oral sex
2:30pm Play sport with the guys
4:00pm Drink lots with the guys
6:40pm Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:50pm Oral Sex
7:00pm Huge dinner, followed by more drinks with the guys
11:00pm Arrive home
11:05pm Full-on, get-down, gorilla sex
11:20pm Fall asleep
Some features I'd like to see in the Upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...
-A "Don't remind me again" button
-An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
- I tried running GirlFriend 2.0 with GirlFriend 1.0 still installed, but they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend 1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another problem with all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally object oriented and only supports hardware with gold plated contacts.
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system
and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0. Also,
beware of similar hardware applications that have been known to carry viruses
that may affect Wife 1.0.
Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a Usenet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the Usenet.
There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
....and the number 1 rejection line given by women
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men. . . and what they really mean.
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
...and the number 1 rejection line given by men
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don'tcare
LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?
LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money
LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything
LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?
LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Gidday"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's
LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's
LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a shit
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV
LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent
LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake
LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them
LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows
LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old shit
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music
LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought
LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score
Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand...
1. Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.
Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble off-shore drilling equipment is well-documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength", because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish-fulfilment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating theatre-quality air." I kept him away from my surgical-steel steak knives.
2. Why we are so bad at shopping.
We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males-- which is why if you send a man out to buy eggs, sugar and bread you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of wine, a pair of jeans, and a tree.
3. The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.
Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about The Relationship.
4. Why we think we can fix things.
Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.
5. Men and video games.
Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy-eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair -- when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.
6. That sometimes we really are ill.
When men get ill, women are generally united in their belief that we are faking it. This is based on a tired old axiom stating that men will never fully understand the agony of childbirth so deserve no sympathy regarding matters of pain, fear or incapacitation. For the record, it should be noted that all men are in a constant state of feeling slightly under the weather just from being men. It's only a misplaced sense of machismo that forces us from our beds every day to go into work and then down to the pub for a couple of schooners of the only thing that ever makes us feel any better.
7. The way we watch television.
Men don't just watch the TV, they plug right in. Once we're on the right wavelength, we can watch almost anything, including commercials, with a slack-jawed intensity which probably drives you crazy. Unfortunately for women, men cannot achieve this higher state without a firm grasp on the remote.
8. Our sense of humor.
When women say that what they most want from a man is a sense of humour, they tend to mean something different from what we mean. Women never understand the comic genius of your mate who makes beer come out of his nose.
9. Why we're so boring.
Male conversation generally relies heavily on petty obsession, technical jargon, numbing detail and presumed expertise. Topics that women only feel the need to mention in passing become Test-Match length debates among men. True, some of us are able to combine a scintillating wit with a flair for story-telling and a nose for gossip, but we tend to reserve these talents for conversations with women. Between ourselves, the drive to talk at length about tire pressure or "Star Trek" episodes is too alluring. Even if your local pool team boasted Socrates, Einstein and Oscar Wilde as members, you'd still probably have to discuss the fastest way to get to the freeway.
10. The male menopause.
Mid-life crisis, the seven-year itch, whatever you
like to call it -- women don't understand the seriousness of this condition,
instead seeing it only as an excuse for a man to resign from his job, buy
a Harley Davidson and start a relationship with a woman a third of his
age. Like there has to be more to it than that.
Dear (her name) or babe,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available or I become extremely horny.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
Your surprise at learning Paul McCartney was indeed in another band prior to Wings revealed you do not meet my age requirements.
___ Your failure to reach for your purse even in a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for this position.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___ The only question you asked was how much money I make.
___ You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
___ My breasts are bigger than yours.
___ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___ Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
___ The way you enthusiastically jumped up on the stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
___ Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of a hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should
have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness
before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many
strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play
is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing
the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player
will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other
courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the
course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.
10. Players should assure themselves that their
match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course
is being played for the first time. Previous players have become irate if they discover someone else playing on
what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in
shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they
find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find other means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged. However, players
should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily,
at the course owners request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of the best performer.
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school? If so, do you
about 'the bases' with your friends? "Yeah man, at the dance, so and so went behind the
gym and they got to second base!"
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second base? Tongue
kissing? Up the
shirt? No one was really sure. Also, the bases tended to get progressively more intense as
you got older. What's a person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball analogies to describe sexual
let's face it, there are more than four stages in today's day and age of sex-play. So, in the
interests of both bringing baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern
romance and with standardizing the bases, we present: the Standardized Guide to the
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days:
FIRST BASE - This was almost always kissing, although one guy I knew
thought it meant
holding hands. Sometimes it was tongue kissing and sometimes not.
SECOND BASE - Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
clothes genital contact.
THIRD BASE - Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your partner.
HOME RUN - This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in the
you had to refer to it in terms of bases.
Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive. But what
happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter the equation, such as oral sex?
And what about the exact definitions? Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling
questions and present without further ado:
John DeBella's Standardized Baseball Guide to Sex
On Deck - Having plans for a date
Strike-Out - Duh!! (No Date)
Walk - Kissing / No Tongues
Single - Tongue kissing
Double - Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and feels.
Triple - Most of the clothes off, possible genital contact, mutual masturbation.
Home Run - SEX!
Bunt - Masturbation
Foul tip - VD
Three up and three down - impotency.
Inside the park home run - Oral Sex.
Pre-Game Warm-up - Fore-play.
Ground Rule Double - would have sex, but no condom.
Balk - Premature ejaculation.
Error - Condom breaks during sex.
Double Play - Having two partners at the same time.
Loaded Bases - manage a trois.
Ground Out - Moving for first base but partner says.... "Not on a first date."
Banned for life for gambling - sex without condom.
Score Card - Number of times you orgasm vs. number of times partner
Grand Slam - Sex three times in twelve hours.
Pine Tar - Synthetic Lubrication
Relief pitcher - Vibrator
Pinch Runner - Tag-team sex with your roommate
Fast ball - Three strokes DONE!
In a pickle - Getting caught cheating on a partner
Getting the signals crossed - Moving in for the home run and ending up with a
Box Seats - Waterbed
Seventh Inning Stretch - Unusual positions
Rain Delay - parents/roommate return home unexpectedly.
Stranding the runner - You orgasm, your partner doesn't.
Spectator - Peeping Tom
Forfeit - Date stands you up
Out of play - That time of the month
Cleared the bases - Changed the sheets
Bleacher Seats - Roommate's perspective while you are going at it
Suspended - Partner says they need some time alone
Being Traded - Being dumped for someone else
Free Agent - Recently dumped, currently unattached
Disabled list - Done it so much you can't stand
Ejected from game - Partner throws you off during rodeo sex
Rookie - Virgin
Veteran - Prostitute
Talent Agent - Pimp
Scout - Someone scoping out your partner on a date
Minor Leagues - Under 18
All Stars Game - Doing it with your X while still going out with your present
Switch Hitter - Sex with her one night, and her brother the next.
Hall of Fame - When you ask if "Was it good for you" and they say "YES!!!"
Now that we have the definitions, let's quickly contrast the old confusion
OLD WAY - We, um got to third base, I guess and then we, um got like
past third base, but
not to home plate. I really like her...
NEW WAY - First, there was a triple, then we got an inside the park
home run, and started
thinking, it's Hall of Fame time!
NEW WAY - So there I was with the bases loaded and nobody out, when
I balked during
the seventh inning stretch and I had to call in a relief pitcher.
30 HARSH THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the early bird.
TOP 10 THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A VAGINA FOR A DAY
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini & cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
AND THE NUMBER ONE thing a man would do is:
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
TOP 10 THINGS A WOMAN WOULD DO IF SHE WOKE UP WITH A PENIS FOR A DAY
10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes
and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING WOMEN WOULD DO ......
1. Repeat number 9.
Comebacks To "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
If Men Took The Pill . . .
British researchers announced last month a breakthrough in their
development of an oral contraceptive for men. The pill was administered
to 23 bold volunteers; the majority produced no active sperm after three
months. The sperm loss was temporary, but the side effects required patients
to use testosterone patches in order to keep their manly form. To overcome
this marketing dilemma, Time Magazine asked the fertile minds at various
ad agencies to think up some potent campaigns.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN / MAN:
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
go to the ends of the earth for her ...
|Show up naked, bring beer.|
Rules That Guys Wish Women Knew
What A Man Truly Needs
I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was
16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a
passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so
dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me
miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very
energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now over 40 and am looking for a girl with good tits.
TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
doesn't NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
does not have MAJOR LEAGUE TITS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
A GIRLS PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the pool, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
A BOYS PRAYER
I pray for a girl with nice tits.
Ever wonder why ABCDEF are
used to define bra sizes?
A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is okay for a man to cry under the following
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
d. When your date is using her teeth.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you
didn't see nothin.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer
than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up
The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a
big mistake it was.
Women who claim to "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
as much beer as the other sports watchers.
Women don't get the 3 Stooges, stop trying to explain what's funny about them.
30 Reasons Why A Dog Is Better Than A Wives
1. The later you are, the
more excited they are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
7. A dog's parents never visit.
8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
11. Dogs seldom outlive you.
12. Dogs can't talk.
13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.
14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day
15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
16. Dogs like to go hunting.
17. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.
19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"
20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.
21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman- Marcus.
30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff.
Proving The Impossible
A group of
girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with
a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors ... go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has
signs telling you what's inside."
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads ...
"All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind"
The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads ...
"All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly".
This wasn't going to do, so the friends moved up. The third floor where the
sign read ..."All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
This was good but there were still two more floors.
On to the fourth floor, the sign was perfect.... "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive
and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."
The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the
fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the fifth floor, the sign reads:
"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that it is impossible to please a woman."
Kids Advice On Marriage
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
* Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
* Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
* Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
* Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
* Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
* Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
* Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
* Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
* Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
* Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
* Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
* Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
* Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
* Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
*Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite is........"
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she
looks like a truck.
*Ricky, age 10
Words Women Use
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and
you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will
cause you to have one of those arguments.
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually
used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will
last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get
a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing"
and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that
moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with
you over "Nothing"
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is
content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying
you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used
with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to
come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that
you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you
shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint! Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she
is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some
callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask
what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"